Risks

the last episode of Ugly Betty i watched kinda struck a chord. it's the one where Betty makes her life difficult by always playing it safe. she is a very good-hearted girl. too good in fact, all the time she does what a good girl supposed to do. the priority is always the 'what is supposed to be', not the 'just be'.

it sure feels rewarding, i think, knowing you do the right thing (or, do u really? all the time?), but sooner or later it will weigh you down. i know, because that's what i try to do - in my own version. and it's awful.

Betty was told by the people who cares for her that she is going nowhere by always being safe. risks should be taken from time to time. Betty cares for everyone and does all she can for them. i'd like to be like that, though it doesn't show. but the thing is, unlike her, i am maarte, self-centered, ambitious, i want a lot of things. it's ironic, but that's what i am, and i'm not that proud of it.
anyway, doing "what's the right thing to do" is the path i automatically follow. but there's this pertinacious voice inside that clamors to 'just be'.

well, i think "what's the right thing to do" is subjective and personal. naturally, i follow mine, my standards that i impose on myself (but not to other people, however) - which is quite, (ridiculously) rigid. half the time, "the right thing to do"objectives coincides with the "just be"'s. that is good and okay, but at times when they don't it is excruciating. if i pick one or the other, i feel guilty. if i pick somewhere in the middle, i feel i'm not being truthful. the hardest part is the indecision period. never fails to make me crave for processed sugar and trans-fat.