Triple Whammy

Another **** chapter of my life. Episodes like this are quite painful when you're at it, BUT it'll make a good laughing topic on future drinking sessions with friends, when you're long over it and laughing at your past pitiful self.

Life is good, generally. But sometimes it just sucker-punches you. Could be because of your own doing - you've been stubborn or just plain karma, or maybe it's just the season of throwing lemons at unfortunate people.

I constantly imagine being alive like being in a casino or something. You are given a number of chips, then it's up to you how you play your game. So my chips are divided among Career, Money, and Love. (Family&Friends not included, because around half of the overall number of chips or more are deposited in their slots, it's unchanging like the minimum of a bank account). They never go high together. On rare occasions, all three are so-so. Its usually like, I have lots of money because I have lots of overtime pay, but I hate my work because it doesn't allow me social life, and my love life is zero. Or, there's a guy I'm dating but my work sucks and I don't have money. Different variations. When one goes wrong, I turn to the other two.

But at the moment it's like all my chips are gone - mental burnout, a relationship ended, and I'm broke. Did my bestest the past year, flexed and bent to the point of breaking, but in the end I just lost myself, self-esteem and self-confidence went along. My mind's busy formulating action plans and stuff, but my heart doesn't have the will power and motivation. It's like the sun doesn't shine anymore. My feelings run high - hurt, self-pity, anger, loneliness, feeling lost, numb. I admit there are highs also, liberating and stress-free (after the thrashing sessions with the bff). But at the end of the day, I'm still broken. As a friend put it, triple whammy.

I don't know when the sun will shine again, but I'm hopeful that it will. I am not that young, but life is still too long to spend the rest of it in anger and envy. Surely i am not that bad a person to be punished a lifetime in the pits. Yes?

They say the good thing being in the bottom is that there's no other way but up. yey! (right..)
So until it's my turn for the trip back up to the happy world, until I find myself again, I might as well enjoy camping here in the bottom. Having a go at almost everything that can make me smile, even for the briefest moment. It's ironic that when you're broken, you get more appreciative of the good things you still have in your life.

Just like any other hapless soul out there who'd been through the same thing, I wallow, I sulk, I cry, I pout, I glare, I avoid facebook, I bargain (with God). Also, I pray, I eat chocolate, I travel, I play with kids, I spend time with family and friends, I drink wine, I cook, I clean the house, I watch movies, I go to the spa, I wear stilettos, I drive, I shop.

When you're down on your knees, you get to be yourself and be real.

I am so going to laugh at myself for this some time in the future. But what the hell, I'm living for the moment..awful as it is.