Veronica syndrome

i am not a good company to be around lately because i do not smile. i may poison others with the negative vibes i'm constantly spouting. i haven't written any blog for some time either. it would just be laden with suicidal overtones, anyway. i've had tougher times before but somehow i always found reasons to smile. and i did smile a lot then.
now, thinking about all things i have, especially the ones that other people could only dream of having, i feel guilty to the bone. having all these, i don't have the right to complain about life and feel wasted like this. but i can't help myself, i am BORED. it's seeping through the core of me. and by not having anything to be excited about, nothing to look forward to, it's continously eating me. all i can manage to do is stand still and watch it devour me. and the guilt feeling just makes me sink deeper. if boredom happened to be fatal, i'd been a goner long before now.

not that i haven't tried anything to snap out of it. tried shopping until i realized i really don't need all those stuffs and my money can be used for better purpose. so i stopped looking for cool shops having a bargain sale and practiced putting on mascara using the free sample from Clinique, only to end up with sticky and clumped lashes each time. learning to cook is way easier than learning to put on eye makeup. i've decided to stick to cooking for practical reasons. i have to eat everyday and i actually don't wear makeup.
so then i watched Anime series in marathon. it is so engrossing that i actually don't feel bored. however it is highly addicting. and when the series ends, it feels so sad, not because the ending is bad, but because its over. like a journey filled all excitement , fear, etc. has ended. then you itch to start watching another series. it goes on and on.

i am tired of spending 10 hours a day in the corporate world that pursues technology like there's no tomorrow. i mean the world will not crumble if we slow down a bit on technological advances, right? yeah those techy knicknacks are cute, cool , and convenient but really, we people of the world are still as alienated as ever.

i thought this year had started great. but generally, 2005 is not my year and august is definitely not my favorite month. 7-week business trip should've been enough for me on this project. the extension is making me throw tantrums.

geez, i'm so pathetic. i got to shut up and go on biting my nails...

* Veronika - Veronika Decides to Die (Paulo Coelho)