Triple Whammy

Another **** chapter of my life. Episodes like this are quite painful when you're at it, BUT it'll make a good laughing topic on future drinking sessions with friends, when you're long over it and laughing at your past pitiful self.

Life is good, generally. But sometimes it just sucker-punches you. Could be because of your own doing - you've been stubborn or just plain karma, or maybe it's just the season of throwing lemons at unfortunate people.

I constantly imagine being alive like being in a casino or something. You are given a number of chips, then it's up to you how you play your game. So my chips are divided among Career, Money, and Love. (Family&Friends not included, because around half of the overall number of chips or more are deposited in their slots, it's unchanging like the minimum of a bank account). They never go high together. On rare occasions, all three are so-so. Its usually like, I have lots of money because I have lots of overtime pay, but I hate my work because it doesn't allow me social life, and my love life is zero. Or, there's a guy I'm dating but my work sucks and I don't have money. Different variations. When one goes wrong, I turn to the other two.

But at the moment it's like all my chips are gone - mental burnout, a relationship ended, and I'm broke. Did my bestest the past year, flexed and bent to the point of breaking, but in the end I just lost myself, self-esteem and self-confidence went along. My mind's busy formulating action plans and stuff, but my heart doesn't have the will power and motivation. It's like the sun doesn't shine anymore. My feelings run high - hurt, self-pity, anger, loneliness, feeling lost, numb. I admit there are highs also, liberating and stress-free (after the thrashing sessions with the bff). But at the end of the day, I'm still broken. As a friend put it, triple whammy.

I don't know when the sun will shine again, but I'm hopeful that it will. I am not that young, but life is still too long to spend the rest of it in anger and envy. Surely i am not that bad a person to be punished a lifetime in the pits. Yes?

They say the good thing being in the bottom is that there's no other way but up. yey! (right..)
So until it's my turn for the trip back up to the happy world, until I find myself again, I might as well enjoy camping here in the bottom. Having a go at almost everything that can make me smile, even for the briefest moment. It's ironic that when you're broken, you get more appreciative of the good things you still have in your life.

Just like any other hapless soul out there who'd been through the same thing, I wallow, I sulk, I cry, I pout, I glare, I avoid facebook, I bargain (with God). Also, I pray, I eat chocolate, I travel, I play with kids, I spend time with family and friends, I drink wine, I cook, I clean the house, I watch movies, I go to the spa, I wear stilettos, I drive, I shop.

When you're down on your knees, you get to be yourself and be real.

I am so going to laugh at myself for this some time in the future. But what the hell, I'm living for the moment..awful as it is.

Fed up!

I normally take jeepney in going home from work, but tonight i took a taxi because i had some stuffs to bring home. tired, hungry, and still feeling pressures at work.

@BTC , taxi queue area:

got in the taxi. closed the door. taxi driver gave 5 pesos to the guard. or the guard asked for 5 pesos. whichever the case, it's their arrangement.

Taxi Driver: (as soon as the door closed, petulantly) "a! taktak man sad akong singko!"
Me (thought): "okay..so he's one of those reklamador type..let him be.."
...

our apartment is on a blind curve plus there's no lamp post nearby so it's dark. in getting off, even if you say "please make a u-turn" in advance, many times maglampas jud gamay. i don't really mind, but many drivers get irritated. i dunno why exactly, is it going to cost them an arm and a leg to make a u-turn and go back a few meters? anyhow, i let them be with their irritation. but this one's a winner.

so, nalampas na..

Taxi Driver: (petulantly) Asa??!

Me: (flat and resigned tone) didto ra nilapas na. palihug na lang U-turn.

Taxi Driver: (points at the building ahead) Mao man to imong gitudlo!

Me (thought): "why would i make a mistake with that, i live here for 4 years i most certainly know where my bldg is."

Me: (resigned with a sigh, still flat) naa ra didto oi.
(shifted slightly to imperative, to signal that i don't like to argue) U-turn lang.

Taxi Driver: (ever petulant and accusing) ayaw lang kasuko!

Me (thought): "wtf, why can't you just do a freaking U-turn without being melodramatic?"

Me: (staying at the imperative) wala man ko nasuko, ingon ra gani ko ug U-turn.

Taxi Driver: (got more accusing) ingon man ka "nilapas na, TSK!" (emphasis on the 'TSK')

now, i am pretty sure i didn't TSK him. i only use 'tsk tsk' in chat, and only sa mga ka-close in a friendly banter.

Me: huh?!

Me: (thought) "is he on drugs?!"

Taxi Driver: (still accusing) relax lang. hot ra kaau ka!

with the mood that i was in, i got frustrated, tired of putting up silently with some taxi drivers' unpleasant manners. i got mad for being accused of being mad when i wasn't.

this is certainly one of those rare times when i regret i had the absolutely-no-swearing-at-people upbringing.

i made him stop the taxi. he didn't even turn on the light while i fumbled my wallet to get money. i handed over a 100-peso bill. the meter said 42.50. because he didn't turn on the light inside, i didn't see the 5-peso coin with the 50-peso bill for change. i realized it while standing up. i reached my hand back to get the 5-peso coin, at the same he snatched his hand back - with the coin, and mumbling.

Taxi Driver: Ayaw! di nimo dawaton..

bagag nawong!!

how i really wish my mother had allowed me to throw abuses at people when they deserve it.

yeah i know he could be tired from working and hungry blah blah. well, so am I!!

pressured?..or not

two of my facebook buds posted a question in my wall today, both asking when will i get married, coz i'm sorta 29 and a half already and all that...i posted back a non-committal 'errmmm..hehe'

that's because well, there is no plan of me getting married in the near future (even in the distant future it's still..vaguish).
i've been asked that question quite a lot since i turned 27 or something, and learning from the past encounters, whenever i answer the question honestly i get raised eyebrows (and a number of times, mini lecture too) citing my age, my friends all already settled, blah blah. so now, whenever asked, the template answer is a sheepish 'errmmm..hehe'
let them decipher that!

no, i'm not incensed by them asking, i could tell they're really concerned about my happiness and such. which is grand, really. if only they could present me a recommendation along with the lecture (really, still single? well, about time you spend time on it..not getting any younger..blah blah. SO, how about Guy X, the son of our neighbor, he's 7"2 and abs like planks, or Guy Y in my division, sorta chubby but really fun).

am i pressured? i don't know.. actually, i haven't decided (to be pressured or not to be pressured).

getting into a relationship isn't exactly my forte (i think it's my waterloo, worse than sports), so when most of my batch were already planning weddings or potty-training toddlers, i'm still jinxing my chances with boys. i'm neither too eager, nor too uncaring. just a jinx, i think.

my question is, should i be pressured because folks expect-me/push-me/hint that i should be working double-time on the matter? or should i just let it be? if it comes, it comes and if not, well it doesn't necessarily mean i'm a bad person. subjected to unrecuited pity i guess, but it won't kill me.

i am not afraid of staying single forever. there are many things to be happy about. i'm not saying my life is perfect as it is, or it is in my means to do everything i want, but i consider myself to be very fortunate for having what i have. there had been more blessings than i actually deserve. i've got no right to complain about life because i'm one lucky biatch.
nobody has everything in life perfect, and if it is in love and relationship (with a boy, friends is a different story) that my luck runs low the most, then so be it.

Drooling

i spent all my energy (or what was left of it after work) on another interest - baking cupcakes, for the last couple of months. it wasn't just due to my fickle attitude of changing interests (i've matured, you see), there were actually reasons behind. not that i needed any reason to learn baking cupcakes
eniweys, one reason was that well, i've always wanted to learn how to bake and i thought it's about time to get on with it. another is.. i wanted to put aside my photography thing, becozzz...i was frustrated i couldn't afford the swanky lensesses
i never imagined becoming a pro on photography anyway.
yeah, i know you don't necessarily have to have the best lens to take marvelous pictures, but still, i couldn't help wanting those damn lens

the shiniest oven is way cheaper than any of those blasted lens

BUT here back in japan, i am reminded of the existence of those devious lens, and that i still like taking pictures, and that i have way more important priorities over kick-ass pictures.

SO, here i am, drooling away...

Risks

the last episode of Ugly Betty i watched kinda struck a chord. it's the one where Betty makes her life difficult by always playing it safe. she is a very good-hearted girl. too good in fact, all the time she does what a good girl supposed to do. the priority is always the 'what is supposed to be', not the 'just be'.

it sure feels rewarding, i think, knowing you do the right thing (or, do u really? all the time?), but sooner or later it will weigh you down. i know, because that's what i try to do - in my own version. and it's awful.

Betty was told by the people who cares for her that she is going nowhere by always being safe. risks should be taken from time to time. Betty cares for everyone and does all she can for them. i'd like to be like that, though it doesn't show. but the thing is, unlike her, i am maarte, self-centered, ambitious, i want a lot of things. it's ironic, but that's what i am, and i'm not that proud of it.
anyway, doing "what's the right thing to do" is the path i automatically follow. but there's this pertinacious voice inside that clamors to 'just be'.

well, i think "what's the right thing to do" is subjective and personal. naturally, i follow mine, my standards that i impose on myself (but not to other people, however) - which is quite, (ridiculously) rigid. half the time, "the right thing to do"objectives coincides with the "just be"'s. that is good and okay, but at times when they don't it is excruciating. if i pick one or the other, i feel guilty. if i pick somewhere in the middle, i feel i'm not being truthful. the hardest part is the indecision period. never fails to make me crave for processed sugar and trans-fat.

D80...finally!

one of the things i used to dream about but never really expected to come true is owning a somewhat swanky camera. (others being laptop and er...secret). digital ones were not ubiquitous back then. i shared the interest on photography with my mom, but we were poor and couldn't afford to spend much on films and the developing of pictures taken with the household film cameras.
when the time came when i finally had the chance to get one, other more important things had to come first - insurance, laptop (see second sentence above), refrigerator, shoes, makeup, winter clothes, shoes, and more shoes ...anyway, finally, after a lot of Starbucks consumption cutbacks and other sacrifices, my new sparkling Nikon D80 was delivered early this evening! weee!
on the day i finally saved enough funds, i actually had second thoughts on buying. thought it was too expensive to spend for a hobby or passion. incidentally, YM buddy Jot's Thought for the Day said, "A man who burry his talent is making a grave mistake". of course i boldy assumed that i actually have scrap of talent, so i decided to go on with it.

but talent or no talent, i think i will surely spend a lot of time with this baby. considering the great pains i have had to acquire it. hihi!

Taberu

my interest in Spitz's music kind of heightened so I YouTubed to see some of their mtvs. i also like their 空も飛べるはず (Sora Mo Toberu Hazu). it kind of stuck in my head so i find myself humming it every now and then. however instead of "sora mo toberu hazu" (I can fly even to the sky), in my head it becomes "sora mo taberu hazu" (I eat even the sky). toink!

Suave

one sunday afternoon while i was standing in the platform waiting for the train and inspecting the wretched split ends in my hair, somebody came up to me and asked in Nihongo if the train will make a stop at Tsuruhashi station. when i looked up i was surprised that he was caucasian because his Nihongo was impeccable - clear, confident, and the accent was perfect. i could just have answered a simple "Hai ", but distracted with his vivid blues eyes and realizing that i was still holding the damaged tips of my hair, what i managed was "i'm sorry, i don't speak japanese", punctuated with a dorky smile.

he smiled, a warm and friendly one and said, "oh, it's okay. your english is very good, though". then another smile.

"erm.. thank you", gave him another dorky smile, just as the train arrived and the people scrambled in.

somehow he ended up sitting right across me. my eyes went to and fro everywhere during the ride. whenever i glance at him he'd break into that friendly smile. i was still distracted, and for some reason i decided it was best to maintain the same idiotic expression i know i had while studying the damned split ends.

yeah, that was really smooth...........
.......baka baka baka baka!!!

チェリー

i was watching a music-oriented show on TV (Hey!Hey!Hey! @Fuji TV) and they had a sort of tribute to the Japanese band, Spitz. they showed mtv clips of their most popular songs over the years. one song sounded familiar - my mind offered me a mental picture of Timezone and that drum-simulator thingy with colored circles. a few web search and i found this link.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDVJi3EhOV4

also checked out the lyrics. i think it's kinda sweet. but the sweetest thing is the title, "チェリー" - my name in Japanese. harharhar!
(i know the song doesn't have anything to do with me. but isn't it cool when a song has your name in the title? )

Translated lines from the song:
By just the sound of "I love you"
I feel like I become stronger
Some day, right here,
I want to see u again

Inventory

personal asset inventory as of today:

what i DON'T have:
1. social life
2. lovelife
3. money
4. motivation
5. self esteem
6. skills
7. peace of mind
8. future
9. reason to wake up in the morning

what i have:
1. frustrating assignment
2. binding contract