bored :<

i'm so bored. i'm running out of experiment materials. i already permed my hair and painted my nails, and the make-up person on my bro's wedding already shaped my eyebrows, what else to do? besides regularly sweating like a pig at Fitness First, that is... shopping is not an option, i have no funds, Insular Life had seen to that.i hope my brain will not disintegrate due to excessive boredom. i wish i could do something with my heart . . .

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something just dawned on me. and i wonder why i haven't thought something like this before. deep inside i always knew that what i'm going through isn't just simple boredom, even if in a grand-scale one, something is really off. boredom doesn't usually get to me because i always find things to do, even if it means relying solely on VISA. anyway, i just realized that since last year, big things happen to my life without having any choice about it. a lot were taken away from me and i coudn't do anything about it and it's not even my fault. my job doesn't help since all i did was force myself to work on things i don't even remotely like (well, majority anyway. the ones i like were eventually relieved off me). besides changing my hairstyle and (finally, courageuosly) having my nails professionaly done, i haven't really made any big decision for myself the past year until now. i just let things happen, i didn't even question my dentist when he decided that putting back metals on my teeth was a good idea. i'm perfectly comfortable with the people at work, and ah well, the company's not perfect, but it's not total hell either. i'm toying with the idea of finding another job and moving to another place to work. at present, i feel i'm not growing anymore, like i hit a brick wall. stumped, ...are these things omens that tell me it's about time to change a little direction and move on? or do i just feel a great need to make a decision, a big decision, you know, to be in control. so if i fail and get hurt, at least it was on the greater part my choice. my decision. not just something 'that happened'.

Holy Week diaries (a not so ideal way to celebrate the holy week )

the last time i spent the holy week in my hometown was 4 years ago. this year i actually went home earlier because of the brother's wedding.anyway, about the holy week. in general, there was about 20 percent loosening up and unwinding (sleeping and reading), 40 percent physical activities (cleaning the house,laundry, making desserts and dips), 10 percent prayer (and i wonder why am i a mess, i pray too less), 20 percent catching up on friends, and 20 percent listening to the latest rumors and small town gossips (don't get me wrong, it's not that i stretched my neck too much to catch the latest hohums in town, the stories just came in torrents courtesy of my manang and the neighbors and some aunts). don't ask about fasting, nothing of the sort happened. oh i tried not to eat meat on the Good Friday, but it so happened that i got so tired and fell asleep on the sofa, and around 11 pm when i got up to brush my teeth, there was a wonderful smell of barbecue from the kitchen. i was dazed actually wasn't so aware of where i was and followed the smell. there really was a juicy roasted pork in the kitchen so i dug in. (on why there was a barbecue in the kitchen on a Good Friday evening, is another story) i went to the living room with a plate of my barbecue and a glass of coke feeling smug, i got scornful looks from the people there, "hoi babae! biyernes santo pa kron!". a quick glance at the clock, 11:30 pm. damn!

so then, for the lack of anything to do, i rummaged through tons of old papers in the house. among the pile were my college notes and test papers (very bad handwriting) from the 90s, high school graduation rites prepared by my mother back at the 80s, magazines, newspaper clippings from the 70s, and yellowed municipal resolution drafts of my dad back at the 60s. also found what looked like course outline on growing and taking care of coconuts and a magazine detailing the trip of Ms.Imelda Marcos to europe sometime before i was born (she's ever so elegant). but this is the winner, in the Ads section of a newspaper dated 1974. i forgot the exact name of the brand but it's a promotion of an anti-skinny-look multivitamin. "Tired of looking like a stick?" "Take blah-blah-blah vitamins everyday for a fuller figure!" or something on the same note, complete with an image of a woman in a conservative swimsuit, with healthy curves here and there. i think voluptous is the right word, ala Ara Mina. it's exactly the opposite of today, where everybody strives to be twig-thin. i remembered when i was twenty (i was too skinny then), one of my highschool friends' mother sat across me and said earnestly, "kabalo ka day, swerte kaau ka nga naa ka ani nga generation. ky kung nauban pa ka sa among panahon, dili jud ka mahalin ky niwang kaayo ka. sa among panahon mga unodan (fleshy) ang sexy, karon lahi na." i wonder, if i'm gonna present myself to her this time, will i pass as sexy by her generation's standards. hehehe.. don't get me wrong, i don't have Ara Mina's boobs. =)