Living by 3 months

i believe we always learn something every day of our lives, conciously or unconciously. (well, maybe except if you spent a certain day being a couch potato or anything like it). sometimes, we try to take a look at our lives and catalog the different phases we go through. some phases are dreary and dragging that you'd think they're complete waste of time, while some are so profound and moving that make you cry, and then there are the times that really suck that you would wonder if maybe you have inadvertently stepped a Nuno sa punso or bumped a dwende that's why you are chronically jinxed.

i'm not sure how to call mine as of the moment. "growing-up" doesn't seem to fit anymore, i think it's for teens and i'd like to consider myself as a "grown-up" adult. "getting-old" won't do either, and besides, it's quite scary.

so far i've lived my life this year 3 months at a time. 3 months or so thinking i was in love and life couldn't get any better, then suddenly 3 months of sucking at everything followed by 3 months of sulking, wallowing, and being frustrated. i'm about to start the final 3 months of this year with fingers crossed, having no idea what will happen next. i have a gut feeling it's going to be 'something'.

to be honest, i've learned a lot, more than i am willing to admit. i'm still denying some profound lessons because if i do acknowlege them, some hurts and pains will be justified, like i was purposedly hurt in order to learn. maybe i just haven't forgiven everything, nor accepted some truths of life.

does learning have to come with such a high price? or am i just so dense i need to hit rock bottom before i get the lesson?

Five People You Meet in Heaven, by Mitch Albom

favorite quotes from the book:

Every life has one true-love snapshot.
hehehe!

"No life is a waste," the Blue Man said. "The only time we waste is the time we spend thinking we are alone."
awwww!! hihihi!

Deciding point

i was skimming through the photos in Flickr.com while waiting for the What's-This-Application-So-Slow's installation to finish. there's this guy who posted pictures from Rome, Athens, Budapest, etc. couldn't say he is a pro in photography but his pictures were enough to make me turn green with envy. those are among the places i've always wanted to go. a voice was screaming in my head, "i wanna go! i wanna go!". another voice said, "oh yeah? so, you are willing to pay the price then?".

am i?

a year ago i would've been very willing to do so. being a capricorn, i'm ambitious and persistent (even if it's not obvious). i have all the patience to wait and endurance to trudge on no matter what. if i set my mind on something, i'm willing to pay the price to get that. (deciding whether to go for that something or not is ANOTHER story though, hehe). i don't believe in shortcuts and i don't rely on luck. but i have faith in hard work. for me achievement is measured through the things you have had to give up and the effort you gave.
but don't get the wrong idea. i am by no means a pious hard worker. there are also days when i just sit and grow roots in the couch, feeding my brain with MTV and Hollywood movies and my stomach with unhealthy processed food. at times i could be a ferocious go-getter, and sometimes as lazy as a rock.

i am at the quarter of my life. torn between going forward, standing still, and stepping back. the indecision is killing me, but i want to do this right so i'm taking my time. whichever i'll choose, i don't want any turning back. somehow i have to know the real thing from fleeting passion. but the hell with being realistic. if trace back my life, i can point the time when i started having serious concerns when i started being more realistic and stopped dreaming. when i closed the door towards my true calling for the sake of being practical. although i have to come to love the road i've chosen - it is my second favorite after all - i'm wondering if it's still okay for me to open 'that' other door. being too far down 'this' road, i already have a lot to risk and even give up. the question is, will it be worth it?

life is not perfect, but it is still beautiful. even in my sorry state, i know that. the best things in life are free, but not 'that' free. payment is in terms of constant struggle against cynicism, boredom, apathy, pessimism, emotional trauma, low minimum wage, and traffic jams.

it is a crazy world. maybe we need to be a little crazy to enjoy it to the fullest.